Fears

Can I admit something?

I'm scared.

In under a week I begin student teaching, and I don't know how other majors are, but honestly, no matter how many classes about teaching you take, it does not truly prepare you for the real thing. The only way to learn is to do it.

Now this is what terrifies me. I hate failing and messing up, but that is inevitable in this case. The only way I will learn and progress is by screwing up and learning from it. Isn't that a comforting thought? Overall I am excited to start this step towards my future career, but I am also already overwhelmed by the workload, the new things to learn, and developing myself as an educator.

Through this stress I came to realize that I shouldn't be feeling these ways. Anxiety is not what God wants for my life. I believe that God called me to be a teacher, because he wants to use me in that capacity, so why should I doubt? Why should I worry?

I have been reading the book Kisses from Katie (PHENOMENAL book, btw). It is an autobiography about a young woman who went to Uganda her Senior year of high school and felt called to go back after the short term trip. Her one year in Uganda turned into a life time commitment as she has now adopted 14 Ugandan children and running a ministry that provides hundreds of children with education, food, clothing, and medicine. As I read the book I marveled at her complete dependence on God, her intense love for the people around her, and her passions to do WHATEVER God calls her to. I was challenged and humbled at my lack of all these things. I know that God can do all things and I know He can work through me, I just don't seem to fully should it in my actions and dispositions.

Basically, I am weak, but He is strong...and I never want to doubt that again.
Bwana Asifiwe

An open letter to a future small group leader

I guess that this letter can be addressed to anyone going into ministry, but after being a small group leader for two semesters, I feel justified to just comment on my own experiences.
Get ready for your life to get interesting. 

Being a small group leader is one of the most difficult, yet most rewarding college experiences. And if someone tells you its easy and NOT emotionally wrenching and draining, they are doing it wrong. And, if you think you already know everything about it...get ready to be incredibly humbled.

Being a small group leader takes your shortcomings, weaknesses, and struggles and smacks you in the face with them. It is impossible to avoid seeing them and noticing how far you still have to go. You realize how inept you really are and how much you. need. God.

Through being a small group leader I realized my need to show incredible grace and compassion to every person I came in contact with, especially those within my group. I learned that I suck at communicating my feelings with others. I learned that I need to be humble and accept the criticism that others give me. I learned that I should always try to better myself because of my great love for God and my desire to love His people well.

These may be some of the things that you struggle with too. But one thing is for certain, be prepared to fail and be knocked on your butt; and that is OKAY!  It is part of the experience. We are human, it is expected that we will fail! Isn't that a glorious thing?! It's glorious because Jesus already paid the price for our shortcomings and He loves us regardless.

Be prepared to deal with people. I know it seems obvious...but you don't even know!  Be prepared to fall in love with your small group (not in a romantic way, of course). You will care deeply and passionately about the people who you end up spending A LOT of your time with. You will hear their stories and their present struggles and your heart will break for them. You are no longer just concerned for your own well being, but also for the well being of these 2-10 other people.

Your time will be spent discipling, meeting with, praying for, comforting, and recklessly loving these people. NOT because it is even required, but because you would do absolutely anything for these people, even though you only met them 3 months ago.

I have learned SO MUCH about myself, others, and God, through my experience of being a small group leader. Most of this was through trial and error. However, through it all, I know that God was always by my side, helping me along, showing new things to me about Him and His Kingdom. 

My advice in all of this...look to God for everything. For your words, actions, rest, love, grace, time management, encouragement, companionship, and everything in between. Love Him first with all your heart and then watch your heart grow for His people.

Being a small group leader might be one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is also one of the best things you will ever do.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10  ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I Will Waste My Life...

“I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet

I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other

I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus.”

The first time I heard this song was at large group the spring semester of my junior year. The words hit me hard, but not necessarily in a way that convicted me, but in a way that simply scared me. In a couple months I would be getting on an airplane and flying to Kenya and I was terrified. People kept asking me about it and I would put on a smile and say that I was excited, but inside, every piece of my being was saying “Don’t go.” This song explained what I feared. Would God ask me to “waste my life” during this trip? Was He going to call me into something that I simply can’t do?

These fears surrounded the lie that there is anything in this World that I can’t do with God working through me. We see the limits of ourselves as humans and forget that the Creator lives within us and is constantly working through us.

In the World’s eyes we will do some things that may look as though we are “wasting our lives”. When our priorities are straight, it should look to outsiders this way.

During my time in Kenya I learned more about God than maybe my entire life up to that point. When you are put in a situation where the only thing you can rely on is the promise that God is with you, you learn that there is truly nothing He can’t do! God carried me through the hard times and celebrated with me through the good times. He wept with me and danced with me, He spoke through me and guided my every step. There is beauty in giving up complete and total control and trusting purely in God.

Through this experience God proved that He is with me always. My faith grew in exponential amounts. Towards the end of the trip I started to dread going back home for many reasons, one being that I feared my monotonous, routine life. I loved living from day to day, not knowing what to expect and yet knowing that God would provide regardless. I feared living a life that was predictable, comfortable, and essentially boring. 

This was an extremely wrong perspective to have. While there is more of a challenge to live a dangerous life here, it isn’t impossible! There are multiple times in the day where we have the opportunity to live out our faith or speak out about it, yet we do not always take the chance. Looking for these opportunities and acting on them is what we can do in our day to day lives. Even though I long to get out of my country of origin and explore and learn, right now I am here. God has me and 

you here for a purpose.

Let’s waste our lives in the view of the World, not in the view of God.

Resting in Him

There's this new thing I'm trying to do, it's called "resting". After a great conversation with one of the interns in my IV chapter, I found out that I am not very good at it. Now resting doesn't necessarily just mean sleep or binge watching Netflix. There is a correct way to rest and it is the only way, in my opinion that brings about true rejuvenation.

This is why I am trying to learn how to rest in God. Resting in a way that brings glory to Him and my relationship with Him. This means being intentional. That is why I am going to implement a Sabbath into my week from now on. Even if it is just half a day, I want to devote a certain amount of time away from people, technology, and distractions and just give it all to God. Spending time reading the Bible, in listening prayer, and in creativity gives God glory and brings about true newness and energy to my life.

Today was the first day that I observed my Sabbath. I just did it for the morning because of previous plans and an abundance of homework. And even before I really started, I felt myself begin to get stressed and anxious because the thought of the amount of work I could do during that time would be so helpful to me. But, that is when you need to take a step back and realize where your priorities lie. We do not often notice school as an idol but it can become one and it is disguised as something good.

Now don't get me wrong, it is okay to want to do well in school and put forth good effort. But when that get's in the way of giving time to God, that is when it becomes a problem. Our time should first be dedicated to God and then to school. Not first to school and then fit in God where we can. I saw this imbalance in myself and quickly shook it off. One thing I have learned this year is that when I give my time to God and do things that are for His glory. I always always always have enough time for the school work.

Does that mean giving up guilty pleasures like Netflix and Facebook? Yes. But, it is what we give our time to which defines the type of person we are. My priority is God. Sometimes it get's a little messed up, but I always seem to come back to the conclusion that time given to God is NEVER time wasted.

Today as I spent a beautiful morning with my Creator I learned new things about Him, new things about myself, He spoke new truths into my life, and gave me this incredible, life giving rest. And now I am writing this blog to tell you that your time is precious and I would encourage you to offer it up to God. Ask Him how He would have you spend it and be obedient. God wants what is best for you and if you let Him, He will give you rest and rejuvenation in the purest and most perfect form.
 

My Large Group Kenya talk

This was a short talk I gave at the last InterVarsity Large Group meeting:

Bwana Asifiwe! (Amen)- (teach that, because you can’t start a Kenya talk without a big BWANA ASIFIWE)

As some of you may know, I went on a missions trip to Kenya this summer. It was this thing called a “Global Project”. It was seven weeks long and I was on a team consisting of several students and leaders, from Intervarsity chapters all over the United States and four Kenyan students, who were a part of FOCUS, which is like the Kenyan “Intervarsity”. I have never been out of the country for this long and definitely never on a missions trip for that long. As the time came for me to go to Kenya I slowly became more and more nervous about what I was going to encounter there. Honestly, I was scared that God was going to ask me to do something difficult and risky for His Kingdom.

The most transformative part of the trip was my ministry assignment where the whole group dispersed all over Kenya in twos and went to live with Kenyan families for three weeks. I lived, breathed, and ate Kenya! At first, it was so hard. Cultural barriers are tricky and frustrating to navigate. I was also required to preach in church and give talks almost every day. Something that you may not know about me is I was not and still am not a good public speaker. But, I said “God, you have me here for a reason, I’m going to take every risk head on.” When you are obedient to God’s will in your life, He is NOT going to let you down. Every time I got up to speak, God gave me the words to say.  

So I’ve always said that “I’m not a person who could be a missionary, I don’t have what it takes.” But, I was in the totally wrong mindset there. Of course I don’t have what it takes, I’m human, but GOD does have what it takes and HE gave me the strength and patience to face difficult times in Kenya. Without God there is no way I would have been able to do all the things I did while I was in Kenya. But with God there is nothing I can’t do. Why do we limit our God? Do we really believe He is all powerful and all knowing? I started off this trip thinking “I can’t be a missionary”, but I came back from this trip not being able to imagine a future without missions being a part of it. My greatest fear before this summer was God calling me to something risky and hard, now my greatest fear is living a complacent, apathetic life that doesn’t challenge me or push me.

God transformed me this summer and if you let Him, He will do the same for you. The world is such a big place and there is such a great need for Jesus. There are so many people who don’t know the true God and don’t have people who can tell them about it. My challenge to you is to start considering going on a short term mission. Go out into the World, learn, allow God to change and grow you. Take risks that you never thought you could do and watch God show off. Do not let fear stop you from starting something new in your life that could impact the World for Jesus.

Just a girl....Blog name change

So I changed my name. The first reason being that I get bored of things quickly and cannot seem to commit to one thing for too long :)

The other is that I wanted my blog name to truly reflect the things I am trying to say through my writing.

One thing I learned in Kenya is that it doesn't matter who you are, what you can do, or what you can't do. God can use you. I am not degrading myself or expressing a lack of confidence in who I am through this title. I am admitting that I am simply a girl, but I know that God can use me to do great things. However, it is ONLY through Him that I do anything of worth in this life.

My ministry partner, Audrey, preached on the passage 2 Corinthians 4:7-9;
     ⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and
       not to us. ⁸ We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 
      ⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;

She spoke about how we are the jars of clay. We are not something amazing, we are people. We are messed up and broken. But, we can hold something so valuable. That is the Holy Spirit. I am just a girl. I can't do ANYTHING worthwhile without Him. But with Him in me and working through me, I can do incredible things. 

What Kenya taught me (part 2)- God made us perfectly

Growing up in the American culture is a bit difficult for people who have reserved personalities. American culture likes to tell us how we should dress, what we should eat, where we should go, and how we should act. We try to say that we like that everyone is unique and different, however I do not think that we are truly embracing this concept. Growing up, I would be told time and time again "You are too quiet" "You need to come out of your shell" "You should be more outgoing". Basically, "You are not good enough the way God made you." This made me insecure with who I was and still brings me to tears, thinking back on it today. Now, I want to make the distinction between sin and who we are. Obviously I am not saying that sin should be excused by "this is just how God made me", I am referring to the essence of who we are, our personality, our drive, our spirit.

American culture tells us that we should be outgoing, loud, funny, and talkative. This is the way for us to fit in and be "cool". You have to constantly be the life of the party and entertain people. (the entertainment part of our society goes down a whole other path that I will write about sometime else) However, this is not me. I like to have fun as much as the next person, but that may look different to me than to my neighbor. The fact is, I am shy, I am quiet, I am not outgoing, and I am not super talkative. This is who I am and there is nothing wrong with that. I would tell myself this over and over and sometimes it would seem to sink in, but then other times I would just be in distress over who I was and the problems I had with that.

At the beginning of my time in Kenya I was hit with this struggle again. When I am placed in new situations I tend to revert back to this conflict with myself. I felt like I wasn't connecting with people and that everybody else was closer to each other, than I was with anyone. No one from my school came and I literally knew no one before embarking on this trip. I was starting from scratch with everyone, basically an ISFJ's nightmare. I remember sitting in my room, one of the last nights before heading out on our ministry assignments, and just crying because I truly hated who I was. This was a really difficult time in my trip, I was feeling alone and distressed with all the new experiences, people, and things surrounding me. This was a low point of my trip.

Before ministry assignments we learned a bit about Kenyan culture and how to approach it. Brian talked about how Kenyans sometimes find Americans overbearing and "silly", because we tend to make a lot of jokes and enjoy being loud. This is fine, but in order to respect Kenyan culture we were asked to tone it down. This ended up being an aspect of Kenyan culture that was to my advantage. I was already a more subdued American! Throughout the trip I realized that this aspect of me was really to my advantage. It helped me in developing deeper and more meaningful relationships with my Kenyan brothers and sisters. I realized that because of my personality, cross cultural interactions were a bit easier for me. (at least in a Kenyan context) However, I can also see many other cultures who I'm sure are more reserved.

God made me realize that he really had a plan for me. He created me in His image, therefore I am perfect. Through this experience He made me realize my passion for overseas ministry and the tools He has equipped me with to fulfill this passion. I think it is important to remember this. God made you the way He did for a purpose; a beautiful, perfect purpose. I see this now and am excited to use myself (shyness and all) to fulfill this purpose.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16

 Playing some ultimate frisbee with some local boys :)

 On a Safari with new friends <3 (Victoria, Audrey, Salome)

 Me and my Kenya Mama

What Kenya taught me...

This is such a broad topic, and it will probably take a few posts to completely cover, but I have to start somewhere. Even though I was only in Kenya for a short period of time, it impacted me in profound ways.

1. Strength in Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for  you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Let that last sentence resonate: "For when I am weak, then I am strong." It's such a beautiful idea. We don't have to be strong enough on our own, we don't have to be good enough on our own. God intercedes and takes that burden on for us. God is glorified through our weaknesses and we should celebrate that!

This summer I was pushed to do things that I thought were beyond me, things that honestly scared me. Interacting with people of a different culture, preaching, public speaking, and evangelizing were all things that I was insecure and nervous about. My time in Kenya pushed me into all of these situations and made me do things and try things that I thought of as my weaknesses. Public speaking is an area in which I was not confident in at all. It made me very nervous. However, on my ministry assignment I was speaking almost everyday. I would teach devotions to the students every morning, I taught devotions to the teachers once a week, and I also preached on two of the Sundays. Firstly, I thought that there was no way I could write so many sermons and devotions, let alone deliver them well. But, God worked through me in amazing ways. Writing devotions became easy as I just allowed God to inspire me on what to teach on. I am fully convinced that it was only through His strength and wisdom that I was able to write so many talks in so little time. God gave me the words to say, I just delivered them.

2. Relationships, relationships, relationships.

Kenya taught me about the importance of relationships and showed me how I tend to put them on the back burner of my own life. I tend to make the excuse of "I'm an introvert" to avoid interacting with people as much. But this summer I spent about 2 months with people constantly around me and I survived! God showed me that there are good things that come out of healthy relationships with others and how I need to make those a priority in my life. I am committed to making more time for people in my life now.

3. I am so blessed.

Anyone who has spent time in a country stricken with poverty can tell you that we have so much. And what I learned is that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. One of my favorite Kenyan songs is:

"Mambo sawa sawa, mambo sawa sawa. Yesu akiwa enzini, mambo sawa sawa, mambo sawa sawa, mambo sawa sawa."

"Things already better, things already better. For the Lord is on the throne, things already better, things already better, things already better."

We tend to get worked up about things that inconvenience us in the slightest and we will get angry and frustrated about things that don't matter. Life in Kenya taught me to take a step back, put things in perspective, and adjust my attitude. Even coming back, I can sense my attitude is so much more laid back and calm than before. I thank God for opening my eyes to these things and allowing them to affect me and change me.

We also have so much. The fact that we have enough food, shelter, and clothes is such a blessing! I have met children who get one meal a day and that is because they are fed at school. It has made me realize what I have and put in perspective of what I "need".

These are just three of the ways in which my experiences in Kenya have changed me. God worked through those experiences, in me to change the ways that I think and see things. I am forever grateful.

Chapter Camp....Mark Camp...."whatever I am supposed to call it" Camp

So I have been gone for a week...I have chosen to spend my spring break on Catalina Island with my Intervarsity Chapter, as well as ones from UofA, New Mexico, and Las Vegas. Why, you may ask? Because it was promised as being one amazing and life changing week...and it didn't disappoint. One thing I learned is that God teaches you things that you don't expect, in unexpected ways...? Confusing, well good! :) I went into the week expecting things to be a certain way, but when you expect something, God seems to like to do things completely differently. For one, I did not expect to be in a group that seems to get so much done and learn so much without seeming like they are doing anything! I did not expect to absolutely love the people in my group so much either. I did not expect to learn how to be an even more effective small group leader. I did not expect for God to speak to me so clearly. I did not expect to meet so many new people. I did not expect for God to teach me something while I felt like I was learning nothing.

So Chapter Camp is a one week camp on Catalina Island where we get into groups and study intently, the book of Mark (or other chapters, for people who have already gone through all of Mark). There are 2 sections of "Mark" called "Mark1" and "Mark2". Each one being one half of the book of Mark. This, being my first time attending Chapter Camp, I was in Mark 1. In Intervarsity we study the Bible through "manuscripting", meaning we get Mark printed out on paper, without chapter or verse numbers and we just analyze it. Another important part of manuscripting is that we are not allowed to use background knowledge or any of the other books from the New Testament. It makes you think about things in a whole new way. For Mark Camp we do something called "CLST" or "Curious Learners Seeking Transformation", which means we ask every question we can possibly think of (that isn't ridiculous) about the manuscript and then attempt to answer the questions.  It was really amazing to see my group's unique viewpoints on various topics and parts of the Bible. I was blessed with a very insightful group.

Another amazing part of Chapter Camp is getting to know your group on a deep and intimate level. I was able to pray over all my new friends and give them encouragement from God's truths. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life. I have a bond with these people that is so strong and deep, that I know they will be great friends far into the future. I care deeply for every single one of them and see them as true brothers and sisters in Christ.

Now, I love my group and think they are amazing people, but we did go through some hard times, which challenged me. For anyone who understands what the "Myer's Briggs" personality test is, I am a strong "J". This means that I thrive off of structure and organization. I am also an internal processor, meaning I need time to think about things to myself before voicing my opinions or ideas. This part of me was challenged so much this week. My group is very rambunctious and we had a ton of fun, but when it came to manuscripting, we were sometimes so unfocused. I was trying really hard to get what I could out of this week in the way I thought I should, but it was difficult. Half way through the week I was just so frustrated. I asked God, "Why did you bring me here if you weren't going to teach me something??" But, God is faithful and can teach you something from absolutely ANY experience. I had some pretty amazing leaders; Kosmos and Bridget, and through watching the way they were able to lead our pretty crazy group and still help us learn something while being ridiculous, was inspiring to me as a small group leader. I realized that I may need to take some of their flexibility and apply it to my own leading style. I admired them a ton for that.

Another thing I learned this week is the crazy amount of control that I hold onto over my life. The future is one of my greatest fears, but after learning about God's amazing intentionality and love for all people made me realize how silly my fear is. God loves me so immensely and it is crazy that I would ever question his plan for my life. One of the stories that really resonated with me was the story of the man who was deaf and mute. The love and care that Jesus put into his healing gives me goosebumps! What's to say that God will not put that kind of care into guiding my life?? I have decided that God's plan is the best plan and everyday I am going to try to continuously give that control to God, everyday.

I would encourage anyone who is a part of Intervarsity to take advantage of this opportunity to grow in your faith and allow God to teach you new things.

Also.... this post would not be complete without a list of some of the extremely hilarious things that happened at camp :) I would love to elaborate on any of these stories if you ask :)
- Kosmos putting a moth in his mouth and then spitting it out because "Ew, its dead"
- the Hashtag board
- #GrandpaB-Day
- Connor: "Strawberries are like libraries, except they are fruit"
-  Bridget's example of a "withered hand"
- Jareds picture being everywhere!
- #DemonYOLO
- Kosmos saying "THESE ARE THE RULES GUYS!"
- Braedon dropping M&M's everywhere
- Playing on the playground when we are too restless.
- Nina's deadpan face
- "Dat bread doe..."
- Bridget sticking gummy bears on her lips
- Nina decorating her notebook with several pictures of Jared
-DANCE PARTY
- James sleeping through the entire car ride up
- Bridget: "Emily, did you go to public school...?"
- Jared not being able to stand up on a paddle board :)
- Throwing seaweed on each other while kayaking
-
Also there was snorkeling in the ocean, paddle boarding, kayaking, swimming, hiking, volleyball...and bruises, blisters, and cuts (it shows how much fun I had). AND amazing food! (I probably gained a ton of weight lol)

And lots of Jesus....I loved this week.

Also, here is a song that I identified a lot with this week:
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine 

Also..........PICTURES! (I didn't take too many.....)